Tuesday, January 13, 2009

It's the end of my vanity as I know it, and I feel fine

I've proudly invented a new extreme sport called Speed Grooming. It takes place only in the homes of the pressed-for-alone-time mother who prioritizes a damn shower before eating, reading, watching TV, surfing the net, talking on the phone, and laundry, dishes, and vacuuming. Speed Grooming entails wetting, scrubbing and drying as many surfaces of your body as possible in the blink of an eye while still on mommy detail, but between mommy duties. When I get the >5 minute slot appear in my schedule - that heavenly flicker of peace when I've successfully gotten Noah down for his morning nap and Gabriel is still semi-content watching Cars or Chicken Run or monster trucks on youtube - I run straight to the bathroom. This window of opportunity for Speed Grooming is brief, because Gabriel will soon become discontent with what he's watching and signal his need for immediate assistance by letting out a demanding yell just loud enough to possibly wake the baby. (((!)))

So, fast and furious to the bathroom I run where first things are first: I offer myself a solo go at the toilet while I'm of course warming up the shower. Multi-tasking is even more imperative now than ever. Into the shower. Priorities in case of premature shower sabotage: underarms and crotch. Next is a quick facial scrub, then an even quicker shampoo and if I still have unencumbered shower time I go all the way and indulge in a full body once over with the scrubby gloves. Ahhhh... sweet indulgence. But no time to waste. Out of the shower. A slap of facial SPF, quick slather of body lotion, a quicker comb through the hair, drag the undies and bra over still-damp skin, race to the dresser drawers for a hopefully matching outfit and out to the living room to abate Gabriel's now non-ignorable calls for attention.

Gone are the days of perusing through my variety of mac lipstick tubes or running some yummy smelling product through my hair. Forget it. Ain't even worth the effort at this point. I've got hats, hair bands and cheap Goodie hair clips to deal with my non-styled do. If you see these on me, it's strictly business. I end up drinking from my son's sippy cup all day, so I surely don't want lipstick stains added to my already overloaded dish duty.

I distinctly remember a lively pre-marriage dinner conversation with all my super y single friends. We were out at our favorite mexican restaurant celebrating my move from singledom in LA to shacking up in San Diego with my soon-to-be-husband. They were all grilling me as to whether I'd be having children. But the subtext of the question was, "Are you really going to leave us and turn in your cuteness to become an unkempt, unstylish, unsexy mommy?" Every time I now leave the house without so much as having seen my reflection in the mirror, I think of one of my friend's face as she snarled her lip and raised her eyebrow and said she never wants to have kids because she never wants to be that mother who wears formless sweats and keeps her hair in a ponytail. Well let me tell you, I now understand why mommies do so. If I'm going to have my every shirt and pant immediately smeared in snot and food, am I really going to pull out all the stops and wear my y bright red salsa dancing dress to the playground? And if my hair and ears are going to be pulled, am I really going to bother scrunching, styling and adorning with jewels? So, yes, I've pretty much adopted the mommy uniform. One day I was feeling kinda feisty and decided to wear an outfit from my other life (eons ago) and that was the day Noah decided to spit up 7, count them seven times, on my green velvet low-riders and Cirque du Soliel frock. So now I'm super happy with a monochromatic Costco or Marika parking lot sale outfit. Pants: $8. Shirt $8. Why shop anywhere else?

But obviously I am still totally vein (why else even try with hats and goody clips?) , just not as vein as I used to be. And thank god because seeing my boys thrive is so much more fulfilling than being really cute. Well, at least as fulfilling as being really cute. :))


  1. a boring outfit for you is still pretty interesting as mommi-wear goes. i have never seen you looking frumpy.

    i totally do the same thing in the shower - crotch, pits, hair (2-in-1 baby shampoo only), face, body - in that order as fast as possible.

  2. Wow, does it feel good to read from you! You look amazing! You are hilarious - I forgot how much you make me laugh.

  3. You are always looking sooo good!!! You still got style!