Thursday, March 12, 2009

Trojan-enz anybody?

Hmmmmm, what to do with the 13 leftover rubbers from our Costco 40 pack that I'll NEVER EVER not EVER NEVER have to use again? (thank you tubal) Auction them off on eBay to some horny underage kid with stodgy, clueless parents? Donate them to the bathroom of our local suburban strip mall Starbucks where the over-privileged, angst-ridden, Sex Pistols look-alike Carmel Valley youth groom their mohawk, sip Double Fudgey Lattes, drag on fags and cruise chicks? Give them away to a frantic mother of 3 screaming children pushing her stuffed cart through the diaper section of our neighborhood Vons? Or perhaps make a postmodernist collage of them randomly thrown  onto our old (ahem) stained bedspread (where they oftentimes were not used in time, hastening my frantic final fixing fer good), glued down for good measure, and hung inside the garage wall (my man's man cave) as a memorial to the good ole' days. (not)

And while we're at it, does anyone want my leftover Vicodin stash? I've got 16 out of the 20 they supposedly generously-but-really-premeditatedly prescribed me after my tubal. Who are they trying to fool? They're so trying to get me hooked. And while I'm spring cleaning, I might as well add in the big fat bottle of 600 mg Motrin they padded the Vicodin with. I've got 58 out of 60 of those fat suckers left.

So if any of you dear readers are jonesin' for some cheap pain relief or a good case of constipation or perhaps wanna remember how much you hate latex in your dry vagina, holla. 


  1. *clears throat*

    Um, hello? Over here?

    Do you not know me at all? Um hello?!?!?!?!?

  2. Pretty sure it's a federal offense to offer to sell or give away narcotics on the internet.

    Unwanted condoms can be inflated and twisted into balloon animals. Loads of fun at parties.

  3. DO NOT, repeat, DO NOT give away pain killers. I actually turned them away in the hospital after my c-section because I didn't want to feel "fuzzy" while taking care of the babies. I WANT TO FEEL FUZZY NOW. Of course I'd be happy to send you my address offline...

  4. I'm thinking water balloons! In junior high we found the stash at our house and proceeded to have the funnest water balloon fight.

    Consequently, no man can ever say the condoms aren't big enough...I personally know how much water can fit into one of those babies!